Elizabeth Oakes always comes up with great posts. Read this one from her recent blog entry.
I'm a big fan of Judith Martin, (aka Miss Manners) and was thrilled to be contacted this week by her PR group about receiving a pre-release copy of her new book on modern wedding etiquette. She is a delightfully witty writer, and, unlike the etiquette purveyors who draw heavily on a sense of social elitism to sell their wares, Ms. Martin consistently emphasizes that the bottom line of etiquette is kindness to others, not whether you can distinguish an oyster fork from a butter knife.
Poring through Carol McD. Wallace's entertaining "All Dressed In White: The Irresistible Rise of the American Wedding" recently, I had an epiphany: the social codes we refer to as "etiquette" arise from three entirely different origins, not all of which are relevant to the modern couple pondering wedding plans.
Considering the many etiquette books, websites, and advice columns in light of these three components will make it easier for couples to determine what practices will serve them, and which are not germane to their situation.
Element One: Behaviors to establish class status
As Wallace points out in her book, wealthy Americans were hungry to find ways to differentiate themselves from the lower classes since, unlike the European countries they wished to emulate, America's elite had no blooded aristocracy or royal titles to distinguish them. Books like Mary Elizabeth Sherwood's 1897 "Manners and Social Usages" and "The Well-Bred Girl in Society" by Constance Cary Harrison (1898) were manuals that dictated in very certain terms what social signifiers were required for every event, and what behaviors were expected of those of wealth and sophistication. Many of these recommendations were in fact codified ways to display one's financial power and position. Some of these class-based rules remain embedded in wedding etiquette today, e.g. strictures about engraved and snail-mailed wedding invitations, or taboos around overtly mentioning gifts or (heaven forfend!) cash.
Also, the idea that a wedding MUST be a formal function--resulting in the rather bizarre practice of renting clothing in which to be married because one has never attended an aristocratic event and hasn't a tuxedo or ballgown of one's own--also comes from the desire of working- and middle-class people to emulate the upper crust.
Lest you refuse to believe early American class aspirations still profoundly impact wedding mores, I have one word for you: TIARA. Need I say more?
Element Two: Popular religious and cultural customs
This includes some customs that are regarded as mandates, such as the bride being escorted by her father, guests being seated on bride or groom's side, the exchange of wedding rings, or the tossing of a bouquet or garter. Many of these practices are not at all related to the heritage or religious practice of the couple in question, but are so embedded in the popular psyche they are considered "correct" to do by everyone.
For example: both the bridal entrance with the paterfamilias or the "speak now or forever hold your peace" inquiry are, historically speaking, fairly recent and denominationally specific practices from Protestant culture. Granted, for most of this country's history Protestantism was the prevailing practice, but these moments have been so frequently depicted in films and television that most people assume they are part of their own cultural tradition. Not so.
Jewish couples are escorted by both parents (who often remain standing at the four corners of the chuppah, not seated in the first row) and the Catholic Rite of Marriage liturgy explicitly states that the bride and the groom are to be escorted by both parents also. However, the bride-and-dad business is now so culturally embedded that many Catholic and Jewish brides insist on doing it.
Double ring exchanges are a very recent innovation, only becoming widespread in the prosperous 1950's due to a huge push by the jewelery industry--before that, only the bride received a ring. Many current wedding and reception "traditions" were in fact manufactured by department stores and associated wedding industries; Vicki Howard's enlightening book "Brides Inc.: American Weddings and the Business of Tradition" details the industrial shifts and marketing campaigns that established many product-based conventions as the only way to conduct a "white wedding" in the U.S.
Element Three: Advice for avoiding emotionally difficult personal situations
Let's be honest, weddings are fraught with emotional landmines and most people aren't well-versed in conflict negotiation or the art of gracefully letting others (or themselves) off the hook. As Miss Manners so often reminds us, kindess is key; it is important to be thoughtful about how we navigate the wedding process to avoid upsetting others. It's true that sometimes hurt feelings are unavoidable, so this kind of etiquette also coaches us about ways to allow all parties to save face in embarrassing situations, and how to make amends if we goof up badly.
You'd think at this point in human evolution kindness would be a default setting; however, in our Age of Snark and changing social structures, modern etiquette books like Elise Mac Adam's "Something New: Wedding Etiquette for Rule Breakers, Traditionalists, and Everyone in Between" help us figure out contemporary problems, such as how to address a wedding invitation to a transgendered person or how to preserve a friendship if you really must decline bridesmaid duty due to lack of funds.
How To Create Your Own Wedding Etiquette
Understanding that not all etiquette is created equal, one can pick and choose what elements are right for you. Don't particularly want a formal affair? Throw out everything that you think is meant to emulate rich pinkies-up Victorians. Want a unique ceremony that's true to your heritage(s)? Do a little in-depth research about your religious, cultural, or family traditions--asking elders about their weddings can yield some great material here. Having interpersonal trouble with overzealous friends or a Momzilla? Talk to someone who can teach you helpful communication techniques (professional counseling for prewedding couples can help keep things on an even keel too) to keep the peace without sacrificing your wedding vision.
Though this may seem an academic approach, by carefully considering etiquette best-practices for your wedding you may acquire useful skills that will help you for the rest of your married life--and isn't that the best wedding present you can give each other and your community?
"© Elizabeth Oakes 2009, reprinted with permission"
