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Anthony Masters Photography, used by permission
Elizabeth Oakes, never fails to brighten my day or make me shed a tear especially when she posts a story like this. I've never likened marriage to an "Earthquake" even though your "Vows" can shake up your life as you knew it. I do believe marriages were made in heaven right along with "Thunder and Lightning" which can be beautiful to view and yet damaging to experience but "side by side" it's much less fearful.
Just read her post and I'm sure you'll laugh and maybe shed a tear. Jane
Wedding and Marriage Examiner
Gary and Norma thought they were attending a nice cocktail party at their daughter's house on their fiftieth wedding anniversary but for weeks their kids and I had been plotting a few surprises for them, including a renewal-of-vows ceremony before the meal. Apparently Gary and Norma never suspected; I arrived secretly after the party started and texted their son's husband, who came to meet me at my car and walk me into position.
We went quietly up to the house, listening at the front door for our cue at the end of a speech being given by their son. We came through the door, and before Gary and Norma could object too much we bustled them together near the fireplace next to Sonny, Gary's original best man, who had flown into town just for the occasion. Norma's daughter stood up as matron of honor, the guests settled in, and we began.
Their children and I had created the ceremony together over the previous weeks, keeping it short and very simple; rather than glossing over the realities of married life, it acknowledged how a marriage must weather many challenges to survive, and how a pair must incorporate and support the growth and changes in each other rather than trying to maintain an illusory and deadly status quo. I read a poem about love and marriage, and then in unison Gary and Norma reaffirmed their vows to love, honor, cherish, and respect each other. Finally they placed their hands together for a new blessing of their old wedding rings.
When the brief words ended, I invited them to celebrate their 50th anniversary and renewed vows with a kiss.....and such a kiss! Hubba-hubba and hooray for still-romantic longtime spouses; the renewed groom even patted the wifely behind for emphasis. The room went nuts.
More surprises awaited us. Just as Norma and Gary relaxed from their embrace, the lights went dim and the first few notes Johnny Mathis' "Chances Are" wafted through the room. "That's our song...." said Norma, as on the slanted ceiling overhead a digitally-projected travelogue of their marriage began (made by their son with painstakingly hand-transferred 8mm home movies and photos.) All eyes were smiling upward as their love story through the years was played out for us in light. It was magical.
Anthony Masters Photography, used by permission
Then began the cocktails, buffet, and dancing to Fifties tunes; old friends had donned their saddle shoes and poodle skirts to honor their 1959 wedding date. A granddaughter was wearing a knit skirt ensemble Norma wore in the early 60's, the suit recognizable from a photo of Norma in the digital slideshow. The kitchen island was laden with a hearty and delicious meal prepared by a friend, and the cake table was strewn with gold sparkles and beautiful handmade sweets baked by this same talented friend. The kids had swathed the staircase and lighting fixtures with gold ribbon and twinkle lights, the outdoor patio glowed with cleverly improvised candle-and-bead arrangements. It was clear that many loving hands devoted hard work to this celebration, an apt gift for a couple who had touched so many others with love, humor, and kindness.
After dinner we all gathered again in the living room for the cake cutting, and a young lady perched on the stairs said to a young man (who might have been her beau), "Isn't this awesome? Fifty years!" Longtime neighbor Frank delivered a toast, apologizing for having written it down since a recent health problem and the consequent medication made him forgetful. He likened marriage to "an earthquake...unpredictable and sometimes frightening, but then you're awfully glad you made it through." Best man Sonny also offered a toast, as did others who had grown up near Norma and Gary and felt they had been second parents. There were many moist eyes in the crowd, and the love and admiration was palpable.
As the cake-cutting became imminent, several little kids jockeyed for position like relay runners near the cake table, impatient with the grown-ups for delaying the next order of business. Knife in hand, Gary confided that he and Norma never cut a wedding cake when they first got married. As high school sweethearts, they had eloped across state lines because their parents didn't approve, and they were too young to marry in their home state of Ohio. When they came back legally married, the groom's Italian family said that tradition wouldn't allow them to cut a wedding cake because they had already consummated the marriage.
Not even their children had heard that part of their wedding story before; there was a hush, a moment of contemplation of this denial of a beloved ritual of wedded joy, or perhaps it was the grim silence of those who, like me and those little kids, believe that depriving anyone of cake verges on a human rights violation. Norma and Gary then cut their cake, and we cheered when they offered their little bits of cake to each other, just like the sweetness they've provided one another for the last fifty years.
Anthony Masters Photography, used by permission
To quote "Waking Ned Devine": it was a mighty party. It was splendid to see such a dedicated and playful pair, and to reconnect with folks whom I'd met when officiating their son's wedding the previous year. As their son walked me back out to my car at the party's end, I asked how his wedded life was going. He said it was great, but the fifty years of his parent's marriage might be a hard act to follow. Oh no, I countered: it would be an EASY act to follow, because they had shown clearly how it's done. Enduring but miserably-married parents like my own? That's the hard act to follow.
Simple tools like affection, humor, patience, and determination are required to be in a successful longtime marriage, but so is the devotion to apply those tools every day, no matter what. Children don't learn healthy relationship skills from parents whose own interaction is negative and toxic; children of such unions end up with few models of how to live and love happily. This makes their chances of creating a favorable marriage very slim indeed.
I waited to marry until I was sure I wouldn't repeat my parents' mistakes, but I gained valuable insight from their failure. I learned that being married fifty years isn't much of an accomplishment--it can be done by default, by parking in a house with someone and allowing a legal marriage to persist while the relationship inside it fails. It takes effort and guts to keep a marriage alive and thriving; the real trick is being married fifty years happily. That's what makes it golden, and that's why Gary and Norma have every reason to celebrate.
So congratulations Gary and Norma! As Johnny Mathis crooned in your special song, "Chances are your chances are....pretty good!" Despite the odds against those who marry young without family approval, you forged ahead and created a loving family and community around you, coming through that "earthquake" with smiles on your faces. It was an honor and a joy to witness and celebrate your success, and thanks for mapping a road to wedded bliss for the rest of us. You are truly an inspiration.
"© Elizabeth Oakes 2009, reprinted with permission"
